Our First Trip Away

Lantus....check.  Novalog....check.  Meter, strips, poker....check.  Alcohol....check.  Cotton balls....check.  Log book....check. Pink Panther book....check.  Carb King book....check.  Extra insulin....check.  Glucagon....check.  Glucose tabs....check.  Juice boxes....check.  Lantus....recheck.  Novalg....recheck.  15 carb snack packs....check.  Kitchen scale....check.  Traveling schedule....check.  Dr.'s phone numbers....check.  Check....check...check.
We were headed out of town.....just to Grandma and Grandpa's.  A safe first trip just a couple of hours away.  Still though,  I am full of anxiety and nerves.  Seems so silly, now that it's all over,  at how scared I was to leave my safe haven house where elements are controlled and are pretty much predictable.  I was worried about traveling alone without my Husband and taking care of all the kids and things by myself for days.  I planned our traveling hours aroung her meals and B.S. checks.  I planned Sweet's meals and snacks and brought a lot of our own food.  I did my best to plan for everything so that Sweets could have a good time and that I could not worry sooo much.

 Just being silly at the Zoo.
Which make this Mama happy to see.

Another feat under my belt.  Traveling, sleeping over several nights, planning for extra activity and exercise, carb counting for meals I didn't make, etc.  My parents were great supports, my sisters were there helping me along the way.  The cousins were there to whisk Sweets away from her diagnosis for a time and to help her forget all about it.  She played and ran and swam and was outside all day.  I ran half a juice box out to her every half an hour during her hardest play times and checked her at night for low's.  Her levels stayed adequate all weekend long!!!!  We went to the Movies and had treats too, we visited the zoo and the park and we ate lunch out to McDonald's.   I am sooo proud of myself!!

HbA1c And Hypoglycemia

I have a few new favorite kitchen gadgets.  Instead of serving spoons we now use a lot of measuring cups.  It's not unusual for me to go through as many as three different one's in one meal.  I have four sets of measuring cups and it's fun to have some bright colors.  The scale is a necessity for weighing everything from pasta to fruit to baked goods.  It's awesome for calculating the carbs perfectly in certain things.  I love that this set of measuring spoons comes with a 2 TBS.  I give Sweet's 2 TBS. of most condiments and it's made it easier to dish it out this way.  A calculator is sitting right in the middle of my counter at all times now.   I am getting quite handy at dividing fractions and figuring portions per servings.  The plastic cups are re purposed applesauce containers.  I just wash them and throw them in the drawer.  They are perfect for small portions of fruit and snacks and condiments.  They weigh next to nothing and are easy to set on the scale. I use them at almost every meal.

There is something called an HbA1c test that they do every three months.  The blood test can tell the average Blood Sugar level that Sweets has been at for all that time.  The numbers on the scale are broken down like this.  The higher levels Sweets are at for a higher period of time indicate possible future problems with her eyes, kidneys, feet, etc.  As a parent, I want to try to regulate her Blood Sugar levels as tightly as possible to ensure that she is almost always in this green area.  This way, she can live happier as an adult with less problems.

This is why I try to count the carbs exactly, match the units of insulin exactly, get her exercising to bring those numbers down and test her often to make sure her Blood Sugar levels are within a proper range.  I feel as a parent it's my job to do this for her now and to teach her how to do this for herself as she grows.  It is a gift I am giving her now, so she can be healthy as an adult.

Another reason I try to manage her Blood Sugar levels so closely is that it is really easy for her to have the opposite of Hyperglycemia (high blood sugar).  Hypoglycemia scares me more than high levels.  It seems that she can get low enough to really have problems in a short period of time.  Within hours actually.  If it's not promptly caught and taken care of, she can become unconscious.  She is becoming better and being aware of the symptoms of low blood sugar and how they affect her body so it's easier to catch and faster too.

Every day we are learning more and becoming more confident in managing her levels with our own knowledge.  We have not been having to contact her physicians daily like we used to because the picture puzzle is clear enough.  This gives us a great amount of satisfaction and control.   

Type 1 Diabetes Won't Keep Me From.....

We decided to try Five Guys last night.  It was easier because it's a chain and the carb counts are in our Calorie King.  Trying to calculate the fries though was about to make my mind burst.  The whole process can come to a complete halt if I can't make a measurement right in my head.  I had no idea what 2 oz. of fries look like, although I can tell you how many tator tots equal 2 oz.  Ha ha.  Anyway, this is what our table looks like when we eat out.  Ponies, calculators, notebooks, carb counters, and oh........the hamburger of course!

After all was counted I about fell over because it was over 60 carbs and over 5 units of insulin.  I never give Sweets that much.  She did let me check her B.S. at the table.....but wanted to go to the bathroom for her insulin shot (maybe just a bit controlling hu?).  Well, Just giver her the dang shot already, and pray it will work out ok.  We'll see in two hours.

Throughout the meal I had to keep encouraging her to finish all her food.  

"I am sorry honey.  You have to stuff it all in.  I already gave you insulin  for the biggest hamburger of your life.  You really have no choice.  We'll roll you out of here when we're done". 

 Five Guys has a bulletin board with 3x5 cards to color on for display.  Sweets colored her picture to put up.  A tear came to my eye when she showed me what she had drawn.

"Type 1 Diabetes won't keep me from coming here"

A small feat I am sure.....to just go out to eat.  But when you have Type 1 to deal with, everything is harder.  Just one more experience under our belt to build up our confidence.

I was feeling very good about ourselves as a parent team.  Sweets diabetes won't stop her from doing things because we won't let it.  We will be confident and we will try.  

I always want her to use the words, "Type 1 Diabetes won't keep me from......."

Honeymoon

When an initial diagnosis is given for T1D, usually only about 80% if the islets in the pancreas are destroyed which leaves the other 20% willing to create a small amount of insulin.  After a couple of weeks of insulin injections, those islets have had a rest and are ready to fire up.  They start creating insulin for the body and together, with the insulin injections, you see the B.S. levels really start to drop. Maybe a little too much.  It's been hard for me to keep the numbers up enough to be at peace.   It's called the "Honeymoon" phase.  It can last for weeks or months.  Just however long it takes the body to destroy the last remaining islets.  Remember, Type 1 Diabetes is an autoimmune disease.
That creates a very hungry and irritable child I've noticed.  So, the Diabetic Physician told us to reduce her Lantus a bit to see if that will help in that area.  We see Sweet's Pediatric Physician tomorrow, so maybe he will adjust her carb to insulin unit ratio as well.

Today we were just on our way in to the store when it was time to do a test.  I figured to bring a snack because she usually wants and can have one.  The lady in the next car was trying not to stare at what was going on.  When the test said 54 (that's as low as I have ever seen it), I was just stared at it, and thought, "ok, now what".  I couldn't believe she wasn't having any symptoms or complaining.  My mind went right to the book I have been reading where it said no solid food if it's under 70, just liquid.  Well, I didn't have any liquid (note to pack a juice box for next time).  So we all put our seat belts on and drove to the nearest gas station.  1 orange juice, a diet Dr. Pepper, and $4.00 later, we were good to go.  One word for you  "Lifesaver".

Let The Numbers Speak....

I have taken advice from other parents and professionals to keep a poker face while looking at meter results.  Just to look at the result and thank your child for testing.  Not to say if it's good or bad but use the words high and low.  I don't ever want Sweets to feel like she's a bad person if her levels are too high or too low.  She doesn't need to worry about that.  It's my problem to fix it if need be.  She is old enough, however, for me to teach her (calmly) what a very low or very high number would be and what we can do to correct it. 

So far, the meter numbers mean two things to her.

She is doing very well in getting all her testing things out and ready.  She picks her finger, wipes it off and let's me prick it. She puts the drop on the meter herself and reads the numbers.  If I can get her to prick herself, she will be independent in this area.  It will come:) 

Lunch was a chaotic mess today.  Meals haven't been that bad since the first week, but for some reason, I just couldn't calculate the carbs for the size of pizza she was having.  I like things perfect and it wasn't coming out right.  I was being forced to guess and I don't like guessing. The kids were sitting at the table starving and being noisy.  I am yelling at them to be quiet so I could think and count.  It's all humerous now that I look back on it.  I apologized for my crazy outburst and promised never to let pizza get the best of me again:)

Daily Schedule

2:00 a.m.~  Prick finger to check B.S. to make sure it's not dropping in the middle of the night low enough to put her in a coma. Record it in the log book.

Breakfast
8:00 a.m.~ Figure out what to serve for breakfast.  Write it all down, Add up the carbs (can't be over 40), divide by 12 to figure how much insulin to be given for the meal.  Make up the eggs.  Eggs are a great protein and a filler.  She eats them every morning.
8:30~ Prick finger to check B.S. to see what it is before the meal.  Give the Lantus shot (all day insulin) in left arm, give the Novalog shot (short term insulin)in right arm, serve breakfast.  Record it all down in the log book.  Record what time she stopped eating (lets say it was 8:40).

9:30~ Make sure the kids get outside to exercise because it is mandatory to help the Blood sugar levels to stay lower.

10:40 a.m.~ Prick finger to check B.S.  If it's 150 or under find a 15 carb snack for her to eat because she's been pestering me for a snack for about an hour now.  If it's over 150, listen to her whine because she can't have any carbs and she's sick of cheese sticks, sugar free jell-o, and ham.  Record in log book.

Lunch
11:45 a.m.~ Figure out what to serve for lunch that isn't going to be a carb bomb (can't be over 40).  Write it all down, add up the carbs, divide by 12 to figure out how much insulin to be given for the meal.
12:00 p.m.~ Prepare and portion the meal with measuring cups and spoons. Prick finger to check B.S.  Give the Novalog shot.  Record it all down in the log book.  Record what time she stopped eating (lets say it was 12:30).

1:00 p.m.~ Do whatever you had planned to do in town or whatever activity the girls wanted to go.
Don't forget to take the "diabetes"bag that contains her insulin, meter, and glucose.

2:30 p.m.~ Prick finger to check B.S.  Make sure it's not too low causing her hypoglycemia.  If it's 150 or under she's good for another 15 carb snack.  If it's higher, be prepared for an unhappy girl.  Record in log book. Get some housework done.


2:45 p.m.~ Try to get the dishes washed and figure out what to prepare for dinner.  Get the meal started and make sure everyone is happy before Daddy gets home at 3:50.

Dinner
4:30 p.m.~Write down what will be given for dinner and portions.  Add up the carbs (try to keep it under 45), divide by 12 to figure out how much insulin be given for meal.  Portion with measuring cups or by counting it out.  Prick finger to check B.S. levels, Give Navalog shot.  Eat before it gets cold.

5:00 p.m.  Record it all down in the log book, including what time she stopped eating (lets say 5:30).

Evening
5:30 p.m.~ Family time to do what we like together

7:30 p.m.~ Prick finger to check B.S.  If it's 150 or under give a 15 carb snack because she's been saying she's hungry for over an hour now.  If it's over 150 be prepared for whining.  Record in log book.

8:45 p.m.~ Get prepared for bed.

9:00 p.m.~ Prick finger to check B.S.  It may not be under 150 before bed for the risk of a low in the middle of the night.  Give a 15 carb snack if necessary.  Record in log book.  To sleep.

Roller Coaster

Up and down and up and down.  This B.S. is a roller coaster.  Sometimes I feel like I am always fixing it instead of managing it.  Is that how it is?  We have had more lows over the last two days than high's and her high's have been higher than normal.  I can't figure it out.  I have changed nothing.   I feel like I am correcting a normal sugar level just because I am afraid in an hour or so it will plummet and leave her in a coma on the floor.  I've seen her levels drop over 100 points in just a matter of hours and that terrifies me.  Especially when it's lower at bedtime.  It's not a fun roller coaster ride.  At least Sweets doesn't mind if she's low.  She seizes the opportunity for a free snack. Ha ha.

My husband has become my best friend.  There is no one we know that truly can even comprehend a small portion of what we are going through emotionally as well as physically.  He is the only one who can understand my emotions and the reactions to them.  He's the only one who knows how stressful this is and how many minutes of the day this takes up.  He's the only one who understands what's it's like to have a child with an illness that will kill them if it isn't managed every hour of the day.  He understands everything.  I am so thankful I am not alone here.

Sweets got a wonderful gift in the mail from her Aunt and Uncle who live in Nevada.  We don't see them much, But they still love her and care for her very much.  She needs all the love and support she can get.  My family has been so awesome in showing us their support and love.

Tonight Husband asked me if I thought I had changed since all this has happened.  I know I have changed.  I want to say for the better, but if becoming even more serious than I already was......I don't know if it is.  I have become aware that I have more patience than I think, if I really try to exert myself. I have found that I have super control over my emotions if I want to. I have learned your reactions to situations can actually change the situation for the better. I have learned that strength is a gift from God.  I have learned that life isn't fair and sometimes you really have no control.

I have learned to trust in myself and to never say "I can't".

I have learned that my daughter is the strongest person I know.  

A typical night.........setting it for 2 a.m.

We Were Suppose To.....

be preparing to go to an overnight trip to Lagoon( a super fun amusement park) this evening.  Instead we are doing nothing.  Not true.... I am watering the lawn, cleaning up paint messes, controlling arguments, fixing dinner.  I know, it's a bad attitude, but you know what?  For some reason, I feel I have the right.  This is a fun thing we look forward to going to all year.  It just seems impossible right now with all that's going on.  I can barely manage meals at home, let alone eating out, packing our own food, and having no where to prepare it.  Then how to manage the blood sugar levels in the heat, all day, walking around, exercising in the water park, etc.  Maybe it will all seem so much easier in a couple of months.
Husband surprised us all with a shopping trip to the mall.  I am so happy that everything is happier tonight.  We always get pretzels from the Pretzel Maker and an Orange Julius when we go to the mall.  I never thought we could do that again, but my husband is more daring than I, and said we needed to be as normal as we could.  I brought along our Calorie King Carb Counter book and we did the best we could in counting the carbs in her hot dog bites.  I never thought I'd be balancing myself in a bathroom stall with my daughter giving her insulin so she could eat a snack at the mall.  I wouldn't have minded doing it right there in the food court in public, but Sweet's was so embarrassed.  We only let her have a couple of sips of Orange Julius (that's an amazing amount of sugar) and bought her a Diet Coke.  We had such a good time together!

I can't believe how much her face has filled out.  In just a week and a day, she looks totally different.

Later that night, they were both standing at the bathroom sink, in their new matching pajamas, brushing their teeth side by side.  "It's embarrassing that my younger sister is bigger and taller than me" Sweets said.  "Ya".  Her sister replied.  "It's o.k. I reassured (not really sure), you will have a growth spurt soon and it will fix it all.  This part makes me  sad.  The Dr. said that if her body was going to have a growth spurt during the months she was sick, she would have missed it and will never gain the loss back.  I believe she did miss one while her younger sister grew on and on.

Slept so well......besides the low blood sugar. 

A Normal Summer Day

I can't believe how good today was.  Sweets behavior was nop-notch, the kid's had friends running in and out and around all day, and Husband was happier.  Meal times were smooth, I got the morning Lantus and Novalog done without a psychological response from myself, and I felt like I really had things under control.  I didn't fear carb counting (until the cupcake saga at dinner time), I had meals squared away, B.S. levels were down all day and Sweet's could snack which helps her mood immensely.
We spent the whole evening home playing and watching t.v..  It seemed like a normal summer day.  The kids were dirty and tired by the time bedtime rolled around.  The diabetes routine is not taking over our days anymore.  It's just a part of them now.  I have learned to work around it for the most part.  Enough to survive anyway.

Sweets allowed both her friends to watch her take her blood and get her insulin shots.  She is not ashamed or afraid of what she has.  She has been trying to read her own levels, and to learn to count her carbs some.  She won't try to prick her own finger or give herself a shot yet, but that will come I think with some time.  I cannot take her shopping because she turns over anything that catches her eye to look at the carb to serving ratio and our trips take twice as long.  It's cute though, she's trying to learn.

This evening, during a church activity, I went to check on her and she informed me (quite proudly I might add) that she ate 1 Hershey Kiss and 1 Hershey Hug, but that it wasn't going to kill her and she could ride her bike afterward to knock down the levels.  Whaaaattt?  I couldn't believe that for one she would do that and two, that she could rationalize like that.  We didn't get angry with her this time because we never want her to be afraid to tell us she ate something she shouldn't, but explained very seriously that she cannot do things like that and the complications it could cause if she kept doing that.
She understood.  She just wanted to be normal like her friends that were eating them.  Poor girl.

Went to bed worrying about low blood sugar.......holy crap is it 2:00 a.m. already.......oh my gosh its 84, never been that low at night......can't fall back to sleep until I giver her a sip of juice....even though 84 is not too low.

Now I am up.

First Dr. Appointment

Today was Sweets first Dr. Appointment with her Diabetes Physician, Janet.  Although we had seen her plenty in the hospital and talked to her numerous times over the phone, this was our first time to her office.  We were so excited for Sweets when she stepped on the scale and it read 54 Lbs.!  We cheered because she had gained 7 lbs. in a week.  I could tell she was getting heavier when she sat on my lap the other day.  We did all the normal stuff with the nurse and then talked to Janet quite a bit.  I had numerous questions, mostly about exercise and low blood sugar and night time checking.  Husband had questions about the HbA1c values and the complications of having too high of values for too long. Sweets HbA1c values was 14 when we went into the hospital.  They didn't even have that level on the chart that was on the wall.  All Sweets could focus on is her hunger.  I made the app. for way too late in the day and it was actually right into our dinner time.  She was hungry, I was hungry, and Dad was hungry.  We hurried and got home and had the yummiest taco soup with corn chips anyone ever had.

I have been looking on Pinterest about T1D and have found some really funny things to brighten it up a bit.  This one is my favorite.

 

We have noticed that exercise plays a really big part in Sweets blood sugar levels dropping to a point where she can have a snack between meals.  She has been riding her bike, walking, and playing with friends in order to get the movement she needs during the day.  Today she washed both vehicles, and her bike.  Then we went on a small bike ride afterward.  It was a nice afternoon.
Things were a bit better this night as far as moods in the household.  I wasn't exactly happy with how it was, but at least it wasn't depressing or tense.  I was content to watch t.v. and work on a menu plan until bedtime.

Slept well.......at least it was a funny dream instead of a nightmare.

Hooray for more Insulin

 Janet (Sweets Physician) upped her Lantus to 14 units and changed her carb ratio to 1 unit of Novalog for every 12 carbs.  I told her over the phone last night that Sweets needed more carbs and she was too hungry all the time asking and complaining for snacks.  I can't tell you how much better it was today!!  She was more fulfilled, her B.S. was way down and she was even able to have a 15 carb snack between meals.  Happy day for all of us.

I was so nervous to take Sweets to music lessons today.  I know her teacher was nervous to have her over because she was unsure how to care for her.  I also didn't want to leave her completely in the care of someone else where I couldn't check on her at all.  It was only for a half hour though and I knew she'd be just fine.  She got a candy for practicing her minutes and had to give it to me to eat for another time.  She handed it over with no complaining.

My Husband watched the kids tonight so I could do a bit of grocery shopping.  It took 2.5 hours to shop. I had to turn over everything, count the carbs, put it back on the shelf, find appropriate snacks, plan meals, etc.  I bought so much cheese and ham, and now I am in love with the 100 calorie snack packs because most of them have the appropriate amount of carbs portioned out in one little pack.  I used to think they were a waste of money.  These are Sweets favorites.

Things seemed a bit more "normal" today for whatever that's worth.  I was happier today which was a relief.  There is stress in the house during the evenings though and it's really starting to wear me down.  Things just seem to fall apart. 

Tonight things happened and I was so sad and tired I went to bed early with my clothes on.  I slept in them all night.  I have never done that before.

I bawled myself to sleep.  

First Day Alone

Today was Sweet's and I's first day alone without her Daddy and my wonderful help.  The kids took their time waking up and when they did, I was already with the breakfast planned.  I keep waiting for the morning that they all complain that I made eggs again, but it hasn't happened yet and I am thankful for that.  I was very nervous about giving Sweets all her shots this morning.  I am great with the Novalog, but for some reason, her Lantus is really hard for me to stomach.  But, with a steady hand and a small tear in my eye I got it done and breakfast served.  She never cries about her shots or even complains.  She just wants to eat.  Her sisters count to ten for us and then Baby will ask some questions about wether it hurts or not.  I really like her Jr. NovaPen.  It allows us to dial up half units and besides its cute.  Just what a tween girl needs in a insulin pen.

After they were all eating, I went to my room to fold all the piles of laundry, listen to some Colbie Colet and had a good cry. I nevery cry in front of my children or in front of my husband.  Since they have both been around all week, I have never had the chance to unless it's at night when evey one else was asleep.  This morning, I was happy to be able to cry when I really wanted instead of having to wait until night.
Sweets sugar levels are steady.  They are still too high for where I want them though.  I am sure the Phycisian will move around some doses soon.  She is getting weary of cheese sticks, and ham, and boiled, eggs, and pickles.  This girls is craving some major sweets.  She is also packing on the pounds and eating the largest meals I have ever seen her eat her whole life.  It is all very refreshing!!
I took the girls to the library and to the main street fountain.  They all made wishes and threw very shiny pennies in.  I made a very big wish.......

This child is so amazing.  She has takent this diagnosis better than anyone I can imagine.  She has not complained or cried or been depressed.  I think she is anxious and afraid and gets tierd of her snacks, but she is happy.  She plays.  She doesn't let it stop her at all.

We played tennis tonight as a family.  I am not sure we were all into it though.  I was still feeling a bit depressed because of certain things and Husband is stressed about things.  The kids were not really happy because we weren't happy.  I am tierd of having to act happy and pull things together and to be strong.  Today was a good day because I made it through alone, but it wasn't a happy day.  I have been going through the stages of grief.  I know this sadness will pass.  I can see things getting better every day.

Tonight I slept, I woke up screaming with a nightmare......hello 2 a.m B.S. check.....again.

Day 7

"Yes, I think we can make it through three hours of church" was our decision.  I know that we have made it to the park, to the store, on bike rides and walks, and kayaking.  I am pretty sure we can pack up and do church.  Except, I have never left her alone yet.  She will have the opportunity to go to class for an hour without me.  I am sure she will be happy to be with all her friends again.  I, on the other hand, walked by her classroom every 15 minutes, sneaking a look in, and making sure she was o.k.  At one point I heard her  say "what if you are in bad need of medication"?  I don't know what they were discussing, but it did make me realize that she knew she was in trouble if she didn't have her insulin and was actually thinking about it.  Bro. Johnston was handing out mini toosie rolls like always.  I told her to take one that she could eat it since she hadn't eatin in three hours and dinner was very soon.  Her very first piece of candy!   I found out later one tiny tootsie has 4-5 carbs.

After church, we quickly sat down to a wonderful slow cooked pork, mashed potatoes and gravy, a big roll with butter and jam, and green beans.  This is one of Sweet's favorite meals, and the carbs were quickly adding up.  I wanted to hold her back, but husband wanted her to enjoy a meal for once.  A Sunday dinner that she could be satisfied with.  A whopping 64 carbs later, she was so happy:)  Two hours later, she went from B.S.~107 to B.S.~ 247 and we knew that would never be happening again.  We called the Phycisian and she said there was a max point to the carbs the insulin would handle and we went over it.  Oh, well, live and learn.  What did I just say?  Oh well?  Things must be getting better around here.

This dot to dot picture is becoming more and more clear every day.  I can actually understand how things work.  There is lots more to learn, but I don't feel so inadequate and am sure I can handle things by myself tomorrow as my wonderful partner in all of this is returning to work.

We had a wonderful visit from our neighbors with a gift for Sweets today.  People have been so nice to stop by to see how she is.  Then her cousins came to spend the night and they had such a good time just being girls.  Sweet's needed some cousin time.  It was good to be able to have them over.  We all went to the park.  They got so dirty I threw them all in the tub for a good feet scrubbing before bed.

It was a good sleep.

Day 6

Husband had a really fun low key activity planned for us close to home.  One of his friends owns a bit of land just South of our home a couple miles on which is a small, pretty pond we all can kayak on.  We loaded up all we needed for a couple of hours and headed out for some normal life.  Our diabetes bag, Sweets calls it the "d.d." bag, goes with us everywhere. In it we have her meter pack, alcohol pads, glucose tabs, glucagon pen, Jr. insulin pen (gives half doses), protein snack, and whatever else I choose to make the day easier for us.  I was a bit worried that her B.S. would drop from exercise and I wouldn't know what to do, but the kayaking was very low key and no drop occured.

She had so much fun paddling around and for a time we all forgot about what was happening around us.  For once in almost a week, things seemed normal.  We saw yellow headed black birds and thier nests in the water grass.  We collected shells from the water.  We played games and got each other wet. We laughed and build up endorphines.  When we were all done, I broke out the cheese sticks and ham for a snack.  At this point, she wasn't sick of them yet. It was a wonderful family time.

At this point, the house is still a wreck, the laundry is a week behind, the dishes are overloading from having to actually cook almost every meal, and every job a mother could possibly have to do is on the back burner to diabetes.  We live and breathe it every seconcd of the day.  Most of my time is spent planning on what to have for a meal next, logging in numbers, taking blood, and trying to keep the living room somewhat cleared for guests.  It is getting easier though.  I admit that.  Meals are still really stressful, but tonight, we actually got it on the table, with it warm, and all eating at the same time.  Halleluja.

Sweets is still being very snippy, grouchy, obstinant, and in general mean.  I know that high blood sugar causes behavior problems and we have tried to be very patient with her.  For the las three monthes it had almost become completely unbearable with her here.  But, I also know that her personality has a tendency to be mean most of the time with or without high blood sugar so we do dicipline.  We've been dealing with her immature behavior for simply years.  I was really hoping, that this diagnosis and the circumstances that put her in the hospital, and all that comes with it would help her to "grow up" a bit, see things from a different angle, help her appreciate her siblings, and life.  I was hoping for a bit more humility and empathy.  In theory, I guess I was hoping my old daughter would leave the hospital and return home a new person.  I have been really disappointed in her choices of how she treats her family members.  I became very depressed, because now, I have a mean daughter who I have to reprimand constantly for treating others so rudly, who also demands constant care.  It was too much too bear this night.  Husband is feeling it too.  At the end of the day, all we have is disappointment and stress with her.

It sounds like I need a good sleep and some more patients.

This night, I sobbed myself to sleep with disspointment.

Day 5

I can't believe how stressful meals have become!  Just figuring out what to make for the family is hard enough, then I have to figure the carbs, measure out portions, pray I got it right and then dial up the units of insulin for it.  It is so wonderful to have my husband here doing this together.  He has been giving a lot of the shots because it is still very hard for me to do.  By the time we get ready to eat, the kids have been sitting at the table for 10 minutes and the food almost needs to be reheated.
Today Sweets Grandparents came for the day.  That was hard because I really like to be a good hostess and have the house clean and meals prepared, etc.  That was not happening and things were chaotic.  We had just tested Sweet's blood and it was 414 2 hours after breakfast.  I was crazy trying to contact a health professional as her Physician couldn't be reached right that second.  I was on the floor crying in the bedroom not knowing what to do.  I felt bad all this was going on right as the Grandparents were arriving.  But, that doesn't matter because what does, is that Sweet's got to visit with them and feel of their love.  Eventually we got a hold of her Physician and things went o.k. .  We had a nice walk and visit to the park.  Sweets was in a very bad mood that day.  She didn't want to go or do anything.  She was grumpy and it was hard for me to see her like that.  I know she is still very tired from her ordeal and time in the hospital.  I have to be very patient with her.
  Every day there is some sort of adjustment to her Lantus or carb to insulin ratio.  We are using a sliding scale to make up for her high B.S. before meals.  We still haven't got things right and her levels are still in the mid 200's most of the time.

We are talking to her Physician every morning and every night before bed.  She is such a great person.  She calls us from home and at night we call her at her house.  She allows us to call her any time during the day in her office as well.  She is extremely giving and caring and genuinely wants to help people instead of doing it for the money.

When we started learning about diabetes and people were throwing all sorts of information at us, it was like they were giving us a dot to dot with a million numbers.  Nothing made sense.  Once you start connecting the dots though, it all sort of comes together and you can sort of see the picture.  It's starting to come together for us now and although I can't quite put it all together, I can see that a picture is forming.  I am beginning to feel some sort of peace.

Tonight I sleep peacefully, until 2:00a.m. when I check her blood.

Day 4

Sweets Dad was very admit that she get released in time for her to go to school for an hour to say goodby to her friends.  It was the last day of school for the year and she needed closure and her classmates needed to see that she was o.k.  I am super glad he had the foresight in that because in the midst of things, I really didn't see the importance of it.  Sweets had recieved a get well card from every person in her class.  It was very touching to see her go through each one and smile.
The time of release was here and I couldn't beleive we were going home!!  I felt like I was bringing home a new baby.  Excited to get home, but terrified I wouldn't be able to take care of it.   What now, can we do this?  What if I mess up?  I don't know if I can emotionally handle this responsibility.  Sweet's was also nervous to leave. I encouraged her time and time again (with yeat another fake smile and positive words) that Mom and Dad were all over it and we could take care of her just as well as the hospital could.  Really, I was on the verge of yet another break down, but there was no way she was going to know that.  Not one little bit.
Before we left, Sweet's made her bed.  Some personal closure I think.  Then we were out the door.

  

We made it to school and the first person we saw, believe it or not, was Gracie, the little girl in her class with diabetes.  I'd never seen another child so happy that someone else had T1D.  She was very excited not to be the only one anymore.  She jumped on Sweets and gave her a big hug and immediatly asked if Sweets could spend the night.  Ha ha.  Uhhhh...no.

Somehow I mangaed to make it to Fred Myer for some flowers for her teacher.  

 A picture with another special and very silly teacher.

After we made it home, our neighbor brought over the yummiest casserole for our family.  It was quite a circus during the meal as we were trying to get her B.S., carbs counted, and insulin given.  I think it took us a half hour just to get to the point we could eat and the food was nearly cold.  It seems funny now, but then it was extrememly stressful.  Grandma left for home and then, we were all alone. Sweet's best friend from down the street, Paja, came over and they played like it was a normal evening.
  A bazillion thanks to Grandma for all her help.  Things were so much better because she was there to help with the younger sisters.  She cleaned, watered the lawn, took care of the girls and the kitty so Sweet's father and I could be a strong team together and to learn to take care of her. A special thanks to all the gifts, cards, phone calls, texts, and emails from those who were concered about Sweets and who love our family.  I will never doubt the love of neighbors and friends again.  We had meals brought in for 4 days and lots of support from those around us.

I didn't cry tonight.

Day 3

 I can't believe how much better Sweets looked this day.  She had been given the o.k. to go outside and take a walk in the rose garden.  I spent the night with her in the hospital the night before so when Dad came that morning, I went home to shower and rest and to get her some clothes to go out in.  Sweets was getting really tired of staying in the hospital.  I don't blame her.  We were all super tired at that point in general.  I remember almost falling asleep just driving across town to home.

The walk in the Rose Garden was so relaxing and nice.  It was a hot day outside, but I think we didn't notice it too much.  Sweets took it slow and enjoyed the fountain and smelling the gorgeous flowers.
After our walk, I left to take her sister's out to a much needed Mommy time and lunch.  Sweets went in to rest and color some more.
That day her Daddy and I took turns giving her insulin and learned more about how to count carbs, count insulin units, and measure her B.S. . We had more meetings with nurses, Dr.'s, and Counselors.  We were getting better at managing her care with the help of nurses.  We were a team for Sweets.  A good strong one and will continue to be a strong team for her for the rest of her life.

Daddy wanted to stay with her the last night so he took her on another evening walk and took a picture together.  

That night, after another goody cry, I slept.

Day 2

Sweets really didn't get much sleep that night since the nurse was in every hour to check her B.S.  Despite that, though, she was up and already wondering about breakfast before too late.  Earlier in the morning, the nurse checked her Ketons again and found a negative number.  After two more negative tests, they would unhook her insulin from the I.V. and start her on solid foods with shots.  Mid morning, they came in with the good news.  Sweets ordered pancake, eggs, bacon, and juice.  Just like she told the Dr. the previous night that she would.  I have never seen a happier face.  Then it fell just as quickly when she realized that now her insulin would be given via syringe.
Sweets had a girl in her school class that year that has been T1D since she was 3 years old.  Sweets saw her taking her B.S. and going down for insulin all year.  Diabetes was not an unfamiliar thing for Sweets and I am so thankful she had Gracie in her class so she could become aware of it before her diagnosis.  She was told the day before that she was diabetic and I don't think it really sank in until that first shot for breakfast.  However, Sweets was so hungry she would have done anything to eat so she took it like a champ.
Late morning I think Sweets was realizing just what was going on and started to get emotional and weepy.  I can't explain how it feels and how hard it is, as a mother, to have to pull it together and be positive and happy and encouraging in front of your daughter when you are in the midst of in internal breakdown.  It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do and keep doing for days.  Thankfully, gifts started showing up to lighten the air and put a smile on Sweets face and mine too.

Oh, wonderful, yummy pizza!!!  

Sweets missed her sisters and was so happy that they came to see her.

After all the visitors came and went, and a few emotional tears, we felt ready to have our first consult with her Diabetic Physician and Counselor.   Daddy, Grandma, Myself, and her two younger sisters all sat in to learn.  There was soooo much information being thrown at me at one time and things I needed to do and to check.  I felt my head swimming in a sea of confusion and my spirits drowning in self-doubt.  Number, numbers, numbers.........

Then, after the meeting, I was told later on that evening, I would be practicing shots and finger pricks on myself and my husband.  All of a sudden, the world blacked out, I shut down, and the phobia I had been dealing with since I was a child took over my emotions and body.

Facing a true phobia on top of what was going on was just to much for me to handle. 

I knew I was going to pass out if I didn't eat before the session so we went to the cafeteria and in the midst of teary eyes, and a choking throat, I gagged down two pieces of pizza that tasted like cardboard.

I had a blessing.......and everything was fine.  I was super shaky, but composed and not crying.  I did it!!!  Now I know what Sweet's will be feeling.  I am soooo glad I did it. 

That night, I cried myself to sleep again. 

D~Day

Sweets had a pediatric appointment at 10 a.m. that morning.  She looked so sick laying in my bed.  She looked like a child from a concentration camp waiting there to die.  She was crying and breathing so heavy and complaining her sides and ribs hurt.   By 9:00 she was begging for medical care.  She knew she wasn't going to make it until the appointment so I loaded Baby up in the car and carefully carried Sweets with her purple blanket out.  We did a drive by the baby sitter and sped to the E.R.  I had to carry her in as she couldn't walk.  Later, when I played this scene over and over in my head as I tried to sleep, all I could think of was my child was dying in my arms as I ran.  I set her on the chair and she immediately laid down and was still crying.  Thankfully, there was no one else there and they passed the paperwork for a later time so we could get right in.
Pure adrenaline kept me calm.  I knew I had to be strong for Sweets so she wouldn't freak out and cry out of fear.  Honestly, by the time they had her on a bed and changed into a gown and her finger pricked, a Dr. came in with a diagnosis.  We had only been in the E.R. probably 10 minutes and I was already viewing things from a dream state. Like I was watching someone else.  I was very confused when, in what seemed like slow motion, he said the words.  "Your daughter is diabetic. Her Blood Sugar level is in the 600's.  She is in a state of Ketoacidosis.  We are starting her IV fluids and later on in the day insulin.  We need to take some blood from her pulse vein in her wrist".
 My daughter isn't overweight, she has a well rounded diet, she is a bundle of energy and sass.  How can she possibly be diabetic.  What the ?  Husband knew I was taking her to the E.R. and I was updating him by text, but I thought a phone call would be appropriate to tell him she would be here 4 days and that he needed to get here.  I really didn't want to tell him what was wrong with her over the phone because I knew he would be just as confused as I was.

After all the needles were in and done, Sweets had some ice to chew on, and things got calmer, we turned on the t.v. to wait for her breathing to slow down some more.  The heavy breathing, I later found out, is the bodies way of releasing all the toxins in her blood.  I also found out that because her body wasn't using her sugar for energy, it was in starvation mode and was eating all it's fat and muscle.  Sweets is tiny tiny any way. No wonder she only weighed in at a whopping 47 lbs.  I knew she was losing weight, but I figured it was because she wasn't eating.  Over the week prior to all this I kept harping on her to eat, eat, eat.  It only took 2 days before her body really was wasted.
An hour and a half later, they were ready to transfer her to Peds.  The E.R. nurse told her good by and that her new nurse was named Virgina and that she would take very good care of her.  Sweets asked, being silly, "is she from Virginia"?  Then she waved good by and called out a weak "thanks" as she rolled out.  Even in the scariest time of her life, she had a sense of humor and a grateful heart.
The next 24 hours were full of finger pokes every hour.  They had started her insulin via IV. 12 hours went by and finally, finally, her breathing leveled out.  She was looking like a real child again.  I cannot believe how much IV fluids can "plump" up the face and fingers.  Sweets became more and more like herself and began to talk Virginia's ears off.  We would have to remind her to stop talking and take it easy.  She would get so winded.  It would end up being over a day and a half from the last time she really ate.  She was soooo hungry and asked if she could eat yet constantly.
Her Dad stayed with her that first night.  I cried myself to sleep.