Day 6

Husband had a really fun low key activity planned for us close to home.  One of his friends owns a bit of land just South of our home a couple miles on which is a small, pretty pond we all can kayak on.  We loaded up all we needed for a couple of hours and headed out for some normal life.  Our diabetes bag, Sweets calls it the "d.d." bag, goes with us everywhere. In it we have her meter pack, alcohol pads, glucose tabs, glucagon pen, Jr. insulin pen (gives half doses), protein snack, and whatever else I choose to make the day easier for us.  I was a bit worried that her B.S. would drop from exercise and I wouldn't know what to do, but the kayaking was very low key and no drop occured.

She had so much fun paddling around and for a time we all forgot about what was happening around us.  For once in almost a week, things seemed normal.  We saw yellow headed black birds and thier nests in the water grass.  We collected shells from the water.  We played games and got each other wet. We laughed and build up endorphines.  When we were all done, I broke out the cheese sticks and ham for a snack.  At this point, she wasn't sick of them yet. It was a wonderful family time.

At this point, the house is still a wreck, the laundry is a week behind, the dishes are overloading from having to actually cook almost every meal, and every job a mother could possibly have to do is on the back burner to diabetes.  We live and breathe it every seconcd of the day.  Most of my time is spent planning on what to have for a meal next, logging in numbers, taking blood, and trying to keep the living room somewhat cleared for guests.  It is getting easier though.  I admit that.  Meals are still really stressful, but tonight, we actually got it on the table, with it warm, and all eating at the same time.  Halleluja.

Sweets is still being very snippy, grouchy, obstinant, and in general mean.  I know that high blood sugar causes behavior problems and we have tried to be very patient with her.  For the las three monthes it had almost become completely unbearable with her here.  But, I also know that her personality has a tendency to be mean most of the time with or without high blood sugar so we do dicipline.  We've been dealing with her immature behavior for simply years.  I was really hoping, that this diagnosis and the circumstances that put her in the hospital, and all that comes with it would help her to "grow up" a bit, see things from a different angle, help her appreciate her siblings, and life.  I was hoping for a bit more humility and empathy.  In theory, I guess I was hoping my old daughter would leave the hospital and return home a new person.  I have been really disappointed in her choices of how she treats her family members.  I became very depressed, because now, I have a mean daughter who I have to reprimand constantly for treating others so rudly, who also demands constant care.  It was too much too bear this night.  Husband is feeling it too.  At the end of the day, all we have is disappointment and stress with her.

It sounds like I need a good sleep and some more patients.

This night, I sobbed myself to sleep with disspointment.